A friend and former roommie of mine from Holland wrote to me yesterday and the conversation gave me some ideas to write about. Since he has the occasional minute to read this blog, I decided to take some of what he wrote and run with it. Going with the feelings of spontaneity, here goes.
The title of this post comes from a feeling that I've had recently; perhaps its been about a month now. A lot of people saw the movie "Lost in Translation" and didn't like it. This movie spoke volumes to me and perfectly put into perspective the idea of what its like to be a foreigner in a foreign land. The way that Tokyo was shot, the din of the city streets, the apparent bizarreness of it all - its something that I've lived many times over and while I love the experience, I'm no longer in translation, but transition.
Mozzy brings up something in his email me to that strikes a chord. "I have been back over a year now and find it still challenging every day. I believe that an experience similar to what we both shared changes you to some extent, permanently, in a way so that you can never go back to see the old things in the same light you used to see them. It becomes frustrating since you can't see the old familiar things in the same comfortable way you used to, and you see the changes in yourself from your experiences being projected into your daily life." Pretty good insight, even if he is an accountant... ;-)
Seriously though, Mozzy brings up several valid points and it sheds light on the process that repatriation is. What has happened is that the US has continued on for the last 5 years and I've not been a part of it. The experiences I've lived through while being overseas are not shared by the overwhelming majority of Americans and those experiences mean that I do see this country in a different light.
As a child growing up, I spent a good portion of my time living abroad and knew nothing different; it was my life and I didn't know that others didn't live like I did. When I got into high school, we settled down for a while and I spent the years of 1984 until 2003 living in the States (with brief periods of traveling abroad either on my own or while in the military). During those 19 years I became very adjusted to seeing the US from a certain perspective and that became my norm as I grew from a child to an adult. I came to know America in my own way and when I moved to Holland, my perspective of the world was going to change - especially how I view my native culture.
The process of repatriating is hard to explain although I think Mozzy did a pretty good job of it. While I'm an insider by birthright, I'm not an insider culturally. I've moved to New Mexico because I didn't know where else to go, making me an outsider to the community while being a virtual outsider to the nation. Yes, I am an American and yes, this is my home country but no, I do not feel like I am an American at home - that will take time. I don't see America like I did before and that's part of the reason why I feel a little lost.
But this is not designed to be a pity-post, instead a view into what it feels like to be in global transition. Combat vets talk about PTSD and not seeing the world as they saw it before. While my experiences in the world cannot compare to what they've endured, I understand their feelings of being different, outside and looking in. What to do in this case? The same as every other expatriate who comes home - take it one day at a time and appreciate the vision that I've been given. Seeing things, even countries, in a different light is a good thing and it makes you grateful for the life I chose to live.
Thanks Mozzy, my good friend and an awesome Jenga Warrior.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
holy light.
Its been a while since I've posted a picture I found on flickr. Here's one I found today that I really like - a great play on light...
poco a poco
"Little by little", a familiar phrase I learned while in Peru and now it is aptly applying to my life again. Originally it was used on me by locals to signify that I was learning Spanish and adjusting to Peruvian culture in small increments, now I use it to describe myself as I readjust to being in my native culture again.
I returned to the States about 6 weeks ago and haven't quite settled back in yet. The first few weeks I was in "teacher summer mode" and didn't get a whole lot done but that was the norm. My usual routine during my vacations was to take off a good portion of time and do absolutely nothing, rest the brain after the ordeal of the school year. At the end of the normal break, I took a couple of short trips to Colorado and Ohio before returning to New Mexico. Colorado had a strange feel to it but I couldn't put my finger on it; Ohio felt just as strange and it was there and then that I realized what I was going through. My brain was starting to wrap itself around the idea that I no longer was going to return to Peru (or any overseas location for that matter) and I needed to adjust to my new surroundings. I didn't have to learn a new place but rather relearn an old place. Driving around NE Ohio was interesting from the perspective that I knew the general structure of the place but I needed to relearn what it was like in a familiar place as things do change slightly.
The idea of driving around in Ohio perfectly reflects how I feel as a person who is repatriating. I know the general structure of the US but its still going to take me some time to get used to the changes that have taken place since I left. While five years isn't a long time and not a lot has transformed about this country, there are still small things that I need to become accustomed to and that will occur, albeit slowly.
When asked by my classmates whom I saw at the reunion in Ohio about the changes that I had noticed, I came up blank. I could feel there was a difference but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Yeah, traffic patterns can be slightly different and money has a weird red tint to it in some cases but when asked about other specifics, I just couldn't nail it down. And maybe it isn't the culture or anything else of the States that has changed that much, maybe its just me. Something tells me that it is more of the latter than the former but then again, I'm not the best of impartial judges.
So I find myself living in a land where I grew up, speaking my native language consistently and listening to accents that are almost the same as mine but still feeling like a stranger. I know that it is just the process of repatriation and all expats comment similarly about feeling the same way but this is my first time doing it as an adult. Why not record it on this blog like my other expat stories? So I have decided to put it down here and use it as a tool for reflection for when I do this again. And yes, I do plan on going overseas again in the future (Africa sounds like a great adventure) and perhaps writing it down this time will make it easier on the next move that involves repatriation. A tool for my use and for others, especially those are going or will go through it.
Getting over culture shock is a gradual process that I will go through, something that will take time. In other words, poco a poco.
I returned to the States about 6 weeks ago and haven't quite settled back in yet. The first few weeks I was in "teacher summer mode" and didn't get a whole lot done but that was the norm. My usual routine during my vacations was to take off a good portion of time and do absolutely nothing, rest the brain after the ordeal of the school year. At the end of the normal break, I took a couple of short trips to Colorado and Ohio before returning to New Mexico. Colorado had a strange feel to it but I couldn't put my finger on it; Ohio felt just as strange and it was there and then that I realized what I was going through. My brain was starting to wrap itself around the idea that I no longer was going to return to Peru (or any overseas location for that matter) and I needed to adjust to my new surroundings. I didn't have to learn a new place but rather relearn an old place. Driving around NE Ohio was interesting from the perspective that I knew the general structure of the place but I needed to relearn what it was like in a familiar place as things do change slightly.
The idea of driving around in Ohio perfectly reflects how I feel as a person who is repatriating. I know the general structure of the US but its still going to take me some time to get used to the changes that have taken place since I left. While five years isn't a long time and not a lot has transformed about this country, there are still small things that I need to become accustomed to and that will occur, albeit slowly.
When asked by my classmates whom I saw at the reunion in Ohio about the changes that I had noticed, I came up blank. I could feel there was a difference but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Yeah, traffic patterns can be slightly different and money has a weird red tint to it in some cases but when asked about other specifics, I just couldn't nail it down. And maybe it isn't the culture or anything else of the States that has changed that much, maybe its just me. Something tells me that it is more of the latter than the former but then again, I'm not the best of impartial judges.
So I find myself living in a land where I grew up, speaking my native language consistently and listening to accents that are almost the same as mine but still feeling like a stranger. I know that it is just the process of repatriation and all expats comment similarly about feeling the same way but this is my first time doing it as an adult. Why not record it on this blog like my other expat stories? So I have decided to put it down here and use it as a tool for reflection for when I do this again. And yes, I do plan on going overseas again in the future (Africa sounds like a great adventure) and perhaps writing it down this time will make it easier on the next move that involves repatriation. A tool for my use and for others, especially those are going or will go through it.
Getting over culture shock is a gradual process that I will go through, something that will take time. In other words, poco a poco.
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