distressed

Author's note - this is a totally personal entry and is just me venting. Just wanted to write it down, maybe some cathartic remedy in putting it down on paper (electronic paper but you know what I mean).

I recently took a scouting expedition to Lima and found many new and exciting things there. My new home will be an exciting and fun-filled place to live. There is a lot to say about it and I will do so after grad school is done. I got back to my house in Rotterdam (its mine until Thursday) and crashed for the night. My roommate was out with friends and I had the place to myself to watch the US - Italy game.

When I got up this morning, I found out that my roommate was actually out with someone that I had dated during this school year. We started last fall and broke up soon after and then started again at Christmas and lasted for a couple of months. We had a somewhat tumultuous relationship both times we dated that stemming from issues dealing with trust. Needless to say, we weren't the best of couples.

We had known each other for 2 years before we hooked up. We went out with some friends to a local establishment and before I knew it, she was drunk (I was a little tipsy too) and we were becoming more acquainted. Though the communication side of our relationship was lacking, the physical side was just fine. It was the problems in communication that helped with the demise of our relationship - there were quite a few problems but that was the central one.

Since our split, she has been on the prowl for someone new. There was a rumor around school about a one-night stand with the concierge although there was no verification of it. She is known to frequent a few local establishments in search of someone else and last night she was successful in her attempt to fill the void in her life (needing a man). What floors me is that she went out, hooked up with this guy, and brought him back to her house the next morning - all while her teenage daughters were throwing a party in their new house where lots of alcohol was being consumed. The man was surprised to enter her house and find kids still littering the floor at 6am the next day (as I would be as well if it happened to me). *Roommate provided me with this information*

So what's the point of this entry? I have so many emotions coursing through my veins at the moment that its hard to pinpoint just why I am making this entry. I am sad for her because she feels the need to constantly find men for fulfillment in life. I pity her girls for the example that she sets for them because they are starting to follow in her footsteps. But most of all I feel used.

I don't know why I feel this way - it wasn't a long relationship or deeply meaningful for that matter. We went out occasionally, spent time at my place relaxing and having dinner, managed to alleviate some stress in our lives through sex - nothing too dramatic, I've had relationships with a lot more invested in them. But this one is the first where I feel like I was just used as a stand-in for the purpose of having a man. Someone wanted me in their life just for the sole reason of needing to have a penis close at hand for her fulfillment needs. I know it happens all the time to people but like I said in the beginning of this entry, I'm on a rant and this is more for my need to vent than your need to comment. I can honesty say that I have made it through my 35 years (dating for half of those) without ever feeling this manipulated before. I've usually been a good judge of character and never been hurt like this before and when it does happen, I go through the same gambit of emotions just like everyone else does. I don't have a problem with her dating other people, I want her to find happiness (in some shape or form) but what I don't like is how she seeks that happiness. I feel like I was picked up in the same way as these other one-night-stands and that our relationship was just another fling, a way to cure her sexual appetite. Once I was out of the picture, she just starting trolling the bars again, looking for another was to get her fix. Don't get me wrong, I understand the need to get laid once in a while but how she is doing it just makes me feel like I was used. Its not a feeling I am accustomed to and this is my venue to vent those feelings.

In my final days here in Holland, I'll enjoy the scenery and my friends before I leave. I will not miss the single social scene that I've been a part of here. The women I've dated in the last 3 years have all been unique and different and horrendous and selfish and so many other adjectives that I'll not comment on. Let's hope that Peru has something different to offer...